I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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