Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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