So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
