I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
