Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize