It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
