***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
