i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
