Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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