You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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