At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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