Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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