my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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