At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
