Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
