dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
