just survived the first fart of the relationship.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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