Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
