as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
