Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
