And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
