so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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