Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
