I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
