note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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