i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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