o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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