I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
