my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
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