I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
