Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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