She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
