I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
