Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
