i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
