the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
