You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
