I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
