dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
