woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
