Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
