I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
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