On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
