I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
