South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
So many bounce houses so little time
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
