im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Also, beer. Big fan.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
