Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize