my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
