I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize