my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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