It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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