My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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