Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
