so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
