good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
