the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Come see our sink grown plant.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
