Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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