My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
