dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
