the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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