K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
