Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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