the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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