i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
